It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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