Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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