I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
