If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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