i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Couch. On fire.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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