So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
