Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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