i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
