bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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