I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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