Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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