I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
