He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
