The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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