dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I am naked and annoyed.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
