In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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