I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
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Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
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As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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