IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
