i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
