i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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