what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Randomize
