My Higher Power is John Stamos
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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