$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
