If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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