i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
