Whod you bang
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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