He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
