Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
