Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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