We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
