While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
