Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Randomize
