Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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