hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
