I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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