I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
