So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
