Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
