I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
