Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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