You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
