I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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