if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
