I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
