Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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