you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
