I can't breathe out the right side of my face
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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