Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
