I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
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You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
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DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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