I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
