then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
