Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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