Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
We left the knife in your bed.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
