Umm I'm too high to move.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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