Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
